The Definition of Dating
A large number of the emails I receive from readers ask me to define what a "date" is. If the guy at work asked me to coffee, is it a date? We hang out almost every day, but haven't kissed yet - are we dating? Does having sex mean we're now a couple, or are we just dating?... and so forth.
A recent discussion in the forums (The Definition of Dating) also debated this same question recently. What on earth is a date? And does the definition of dating differ depending on the circumstances of the two people involved? (i.e. sexual orientation, age, culture)
In my opinion, a date refers to an activity two people share together with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. This differs greatly from 'hooking up' which usually describes a casual get together between two people that may or may not be sexual in nature. Two people who are "dating" therefore, have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another they are interested in more than just a friendship - even if so far the exchanges have been purely friendly in nature. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over an extended period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing.
Still, I am curious. I'd love to hear from the readers of this blog what their definition of dating is, and why.
Comments
Yeah I supposed so that speed dating and hooking up are almost similar and normal dating is a normal getting know more of the opposite sex in a romantic level.
I think speed dating is ridiculous…I’d much rather naturally let a connection happen. I’ll just stay home and play with my adult toys instead of putting myself through that agony!
Is it a date? The answer to this question probably has a lot to do with the honesty of the person who is to reply. Are they being honest with themselves – and – are they being honest with you? I spent 7 months with someone (romantically involved) only to be told that we are more “friends” than a “couple. Needless to say I was puzzled and pissed, and now we are “nothing.” This would be where the honesty issue comes into play. Was he dishonest from the beginning? I don’t think so, but who knows.
I guess I really don’t have the answer to the “What is a date” question … now do I?
Dating should be what it is, a man and woman who get together with with the goal of a potential relationship. As for online dating, what do we call that first encounter? A ‘meeting’, well wasn’t it once called a “blind date”? Then if it doesn’t work out and an emotional bond develops we say, “we are just friends”. That was getting out of control and at age 46 I cannot understand how he/she will call, go out with me and even e-mail every night, but that is where it ends? There is a lot of self-deception, in the form of ‘fear of being hurt again’or what is called baggage. Why do so many claim that romance and ultimately marriage, doesn’t occur between friends of the opposite sex? My first marriage lasted a lot longer than it should have because we “married as friends”. Based on certain factors ours should have ended after 7 years, but went 20 years. In fact the first 10 years were great. I wonder what is happening to us and how it will effect the next generation?
agree with Ed
Brian, I hear you there – although I’ll hazard a guess that you are probably in the under 35 range by your response. The casualness of dating today has definitely altered what the actual definition of a date is.. if they even exist anymore.
Traci – I feel your frustration! I think communication is key in any relationship, and if both parties aren’t being honest with each other about their needs, wants and expectations, it can be a challenge and people end up hurt like you seem to have been. That’s why I think a definition of some sorts – even if it is different for each relationship – is important.
Ed, I don’t think the term dating implies merely heterosexual relationships personally, but I get what you are saying. As for how these new interpretations will affect future generations, now THAT is a fascinating question, and I plan on looking at the current research and blogging about that exact topic in the near future.
I find when I say I had a boyfriend for a while, or even if I say “I date some”, the new guy automatically thinks we slept together. Not sure what to do about this because I always end feeling I have to further explain what that meant.
I think that dating is just getting to know each other. But some people have a hard time dating because they dont know what to do, some people move to fast. I think that you shouldn’t go for a kiss untill after the 3rd of 4th date, but others go for a kiss on the 1st date, and some people would consider that going to fast. I like what Tina had to say in comment 2,that made me laugh.
I asked my friend what she though dating was and she said going out, like being a boyfriend and girlfriend and when i told her what it was she had nothiing to say… I have not acctually been on a date, i think that is because at the age of 15 us boys and girls don’t do much dating. We ask questions as we come up with them. I think you should get to know someone, like they have been your friend for years, then go out with them that way you don’t feel akward around them and can speek your mind.
I have been on dating sites for many years but I haven’t met my special someone until one of my friends referred me to richmingle.com site. i did get a nice date there.
Is it dating a game?
Yes, I just had a question about dating? What if a man tells you that he really likes you and doesnt want to see anyone else but at the same time says that he does not want a realashionship …. and we have a been seening eachother daily and intimantly for the past four months. What do you think that means?
Morgan, it means he’s using you for sex.
Dating has several definitions:
Most common and usually, an “appointment to meet” with someone of the opposite sex in a social setting to get to know them better, with hopes of finding compatibility and furthering the relationship toward intimacy.
Well i have no idea what dating is.I met a guy around new years seeing him romatically he said to begin with dosnt want a g/f but to me it feels more serious i thought we had been dating for like 4 months but then he says yeah sure casual dating? ok… i didnt know that and dont really want that so i have no clue
Dating… 1st of all, Bonny I must say thanks for all the info you provide for all of us.
I used to think dating was a pretty generic term.
Based on current society, (ie. age groups, gender, culture, upbringing, etc..) it’s so different now. Learning to date after a long term marriage of 17yrs., divorced now 3.6 yrs. is difficult at times, but interesting and fun when I want to date.
Each new encounter with a woman is a learning experience, as Bonny has said ” to understand the wants, needs, and the expectancy of each other in order to see if there is any long term value toward a committed relationship.
And I think coming to understanding sooner than later is key.
please can somebody be in love when dating
My daughters ask me if I am dating. No is my immediate answer. Dating refers to an activity two people share together with the intention of getting to know each other better on a romantic level. Therefore if you are having one-offs, a dinner and done or even a dinner or two, its not dating to me. Today we live in the world of online everything. Is online shopping shopping? I miss the feel of the items in my hand. I read on a Kindle. But long for the joy of wandering the aisles of the bookstore, picking up a random title, reading a few pages and moving on to discover another. Online dating is so…online. You�re not seeing a person, in person. You are reading a review, as you read the review of a movie, with previews of coming attractions. In this cast previews of past actions would be more accurate. Photos of her on the back of a burro in Mexico, with her dogs romping in Central Park, laughing at a party with some random hand left dangling on her shoulder, a remnant of a relationship, sliced out of the photo. You don�t get the visceral impact of eyes across a room, the way it�s happened to me one or twice in my life. Breathless discovery.
Online dating is shopping. Shopping for people. You browse the online store, you set up requirements, so tall, so thin or heavy, likes to juggle, reads comics, and when you write, wink or respond, you set up a meeting. Not a date. Back in the old days we had blind dates. Probably politically incorrect to say now. Then it truly was blind. No photos, no long involved biography of who and what they think they are our wish they were. You relied on your friends to �match� you up. It was friend.com.
When I was under twenty-five, you were not dating until you were an �item�, boyfriend and girlfriend. Then you were dating. Going out to dinner or a movie was not dating, not even after several. Not until you committed to the step of we are �together�. Easily indicated by sharing an ID bracelet with your girlfriend, or giving her your school ring, always to big, for her to wear around her neck or to wrap with adhesive tape and yarn to fit her slim finger. Therefore when asked, are you dating, my answer is no. Because at this point I have not seen anyone more than a few times, have not felt any romantic, this-could-be-the-one feelings. Nice dinners, sometimes. Good conversations occasionally. To much information to soon, frequently. Frightening first date revelations, many. Fireworks, cherubs flying around shooting me full of arrows, heart palpations, none of the above. So I�m not dating. Not yet.
Good question, Bonny! And good, thoughtful answer, Joel! Words are wonderful, aren’t they? The website dictionary.com defines “date” as “a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person”; romance isn’t necessarily included. But most of the words we use in general speech have about as many meanings as there are people who use them. That’s why it’s so important to make sure the person you’re talking to knows what you mean when you use a particular word. I stay away from the word “dating” altogether, preferring the term “introduction,” because that’s what comes first. “Back in the old days,” as Joel says, we had friends introduce us. Now we have websites. One of the great advantages here is that people can learn quite a bit about one another, assuming that they like to write (or talk on the phone) and are willing and able to be open and honest. Then, when they do meet, it’s not really a blind date. Time and again, people who use my service tell me that they felt comfortable the very first time they met, because they had taken the time and trouble to get to know each other before their first meeting.
Nice definition about dating. Normally dating is a like a meeting of two persons. who share their feelings, emotions & body.
I totally agree with your opinion on what the definition of dating is. When I tell my friends that I’m dating such and such guy,I really feel that they take it in the wrong way. Your definition explains exactly what I think dating is, thanks
The term “dating” is so confusing! Here is my situation. Been hanging out with this amazing guy for a month now. We are together every weekend, talk on the phone/text during the week, spend the night together on Fridays & Saturdays (no sex tho), kiss, cuddle, go out to eat & see local bands play, stand close together in public, bought each other something for Christmas, share the same views on things, get along flawlessly. Its nice that there is no pressure for sex. Feels old fashioned and I love that. Are we dating or just hanging out? I dont make out and cuddle with anyone I consider “just a friend” so that would make me think we are dating. Dating doesnt mean bf/gf..its the 1st step to determining if you want to pursue a relationship to me. However, its not like we have talked about how we want this to turn into that. I dont want to ask him if we are “dating” because I dont want to scare him off..what do you all think? Would you consider what we are doing dating? I want it to be. I like him very very much and want to be his girl one day as juvenile as that may sound! LOL! Thanks for any advice!
In my own words – Dating is a tryout course where errors are underlined for future review and consideration by two aspirant lovers.
Lisa….wow – - you and I could be twins as far as our ’situations’ go! Met a great guy – we’ve been hanging out for a year in the same way you mentioned – - together just about every night, we go to parties together, he sleeps at my house more often than not but we’re NOT sleeping together…if we’re not dating what the hell is this?!?! I was the one in the most recent relationship but it ended close to 6 months before I met him – his last ’serious’ relationship was two years ago so I don’t think either of us has commitment issues ( I know I do not ) – I’m with you though – do I ask what the heck is going on or just keep enjoying what we have? I am not sure that it’s fair to me (wanting more!) if he’s not going to actually give it to me….at the same time, how do I throw away essentially my best friend?
A YEAR!?! I dont know if I can go that long without being able to say we are an item. LOL! Of course I probably would if thats how long it takes, but I want to be with this guy. However, its tricky because I am afraid of getting super invested and falling in love hardcore only to never have him take it to the next level. Thats the risk you take tho I guess. He was married for like 5 years..been divorced for a 1 1/2 years. They were together for awhile so thats his deal I think. He said he just isnt emotionally ready. My 3 1/2 year relationship ended in July and it was hard on me. However, Im over that and want better for myself and have found that in this guy. I think with some time & patience he will see he can trust me and not be afraid to try love again. There is definitely a connection between us. I feel it and he shows it. Just not having sex. I told him that until he feels he is ready to say we are “dating” that we dont need to have sex..no need to add something to the current situation that may confuse or freak him out. Im down for the ride, I just hope it doesnt take a really long time. I want to be the girl to prove to him love is real and will be forever if he will open up and give me that chance. Sadnconfused let me know if you’d like to email or talk more about this! Id love to!
Hmm. A guy’s take on the situation. I’ve been spending nearly every off moment i have with this wonderful girl since july. My roommate (who introduced us) has been there with her roommate. It’s like a group of friends. It started like joel’s blind dates, kind of old school. We sleep together and cuddle, but there’s no sex. I dont think it’s a good idea to add that to the mix right now. I’m confused, and when asked by others if we’re dating, the answer is that we’re complicated. we just went on vacation together and i’ve been spending all my time coming up with things to do with her but i’m not sure if she’s interested in me, or just the going out and doing things. I havent asked her to be in a serious relationship with me because she’s made it plain that she’s afraid of a relationship. Her last one left her with little trust in men, and she says she wants to take it slow.
-7 months, are we dating? are we in a relationship? Should I risk what we have and ask for more or should I just continue behaving as if i’m in a serious relationship with her and wait?
Joel, I just have to say your comment was one of the most well articulated comments i have seen in years. just thought you should know.
Anyhow, to the rest of you, I have felt romantic with women before, but it is only to my undoing. Often I try and tell myself that I wont become too attached too quick but after the first few “dates” I feel a pretical addiction to the person. eventually this undoes everything as the woman usually is not that worked up yet, oh well.
Should people who are going through Divorce date? If so, why?
Ok so I finally told the guy I have been hanging out with for the past two months that I really really like him and its becoming hard to keep doing what we are doing and to feel like I really dont stand a chance. He plays the role of the boyfriend on his own free will & gladly. Its so natural. The things he says and the way he acts are contradicting themselves. He doesnt try and pressure me for sex so I know he isnt using me. He told me he likes me too but is scared to death & doesnt know if he can ever be in a relationship ever again. So I dont understand if he really feels that way then why does he do the things he does with/for me? He said he doesnt want anything to change between us & doesnt want to lose me however, I think you cant have your cake and eat it too. I mean really! I told him there is no pressure per say, and that there are no time limits but if I dont stand a chance to prove to him not everyone is the same then Im going to have to start distancing myself from him a bit so I dont get hurt any further. Everyone says its blantantly obvious he wants the same things I do only difference is that he is scared and Im not. I dont know what to do. Im fine with playing it cool, but I dont want to be still doing the same things a year from now and be totally invested and in love and still cant be in a relationship with him. He either has to take a chance on me and what we could have or let one person continue to ruin his life/hold him back and walk away from someone who would do anything for him. What do I do in the meantime?
Just yesterday a friend asked if I was dating “Joe”. After barely a hesitation I said “NO. We’ve been hanging out a bit though”. And he says “whats the difference”. Well, that’s what lead me to this site- its been great to read through these comments. I think the term dating has certain implications that are attached to it. Joe and I are getting to know eachother on our own terms. I don’t think either one of knows what will come of the situation or maybe even what we want to. So- dating, no. Hanging out, yes. Se la vi!
I have a situation at work — a male coworker and I have spent a lot of time together. We go to lunch, chit-chat during the day — I considered that friendship. Then he took me shopping one day out-of-the-blue and bought me jewelry and an outfit — not cheap!. This surprised me, and I began to look at things differently. Then he took me out to dinner and paid for everything. There has been no physical intimacy at all though. A friend said, “So would you say you are in a with him relationship? Are you dating?” Um…from my perspective, I’d say yes. But I feel silly to be unsure. I’m in my 40s and I think it’s funny that I haven’t a clue! Would he do all this and still consider me “just a friend”?
Dating mean just have sex with each other regularly without marriage.
I met a man online. We talked every night. I couldn’t wait to talk to him. He had a great sencse of humor. He made me laugh and smile. Even just after weeks my feelings started to become strong the guy. I felt we were building a relationship. He work unusual hours, so we would compromise and be flexible as far spending time together. The first date went well. We shared the first kiss on the first date and it was very sensual. When we met, we clicked. We both liked each other. I would tell him how I felt about him. And Yes, every time we were together we’d make love. We talked about what we like concerning sex. And Yes, we pleased each other. Make a long story short, He had to move 2 hours away because of of his job. He told me to be prepared for whatever happened, meaning we might have to break up do to the distance and he might not be able to see me as much as he wanted. Of course, I didn’t want to loose him. Where he moved, he didn’t know anyone. But a lady he worked with was so willing to help him with everything. He called one night and said he was having dinner with a co-worker. I asked if it was a female. He said yes. But since, she’s done so much to help him and he so appreciative for what she’s done. She’s flirting with him, their having dinner together, etc. He said he told her he had a lady friend, not a girlfriend, who he was very close and intimate with. I was hurt, because he said lady friend. Every man has a lady friend. He even mention what if she caught him at a weak moment what was he to do. This hurts. Because all the things that she’s doing, I told him I want to do for him. I can’t, when I live 2 hours away. She’s right at his reach. She’s 29, he’s 39 & I’m 49. I tell him how I feel and he says I should stop thinking negative and that I have nothing to worry about. I told him when I fell for him, I fell hard. Just wanted him to know how strong my feelings for him were. He said, “I’m not there where you are” I told him that’s why he can’t tell me how he feels about me, because he doesn’t feel the same. I know I need to break this off, because it hurts. He’s spending time with her and I know sooner or later they are going to sleep together. I feel I made the mistake of jumping into this too fast, feelings grew to fast, we became intimate too fast where my emotions took over and he just liked me. I feel he was just not that into me to let his feelings show like mine did. I don’t want to make this mistake ever again. I allowed him to become my priority while I allowed myself to be an option. So many women allow themselves to get caught up emotionally, and that’s what I did. I will be breaking this off.
Denise again, what was I doing, what the hell was I thinking? Now I feel caught up emotionally with this guy. I feel he’s been honest and upfront with me. But I keep thinking I can handle this, but I don’t think I can. There are times when we talk and I ask him are we breaking up and he says no. Lets see how we handle this relationship long distance. But still, he’s spending time with her. I know what to do, I just need to do it. If he’s not emotionally in this like I am, then it’s not worth it. I felt we were dating. Must have been wrong.
When two people are dating does this mean that they are boyfriend and girlfriend? I am dating someone who i believed to be my girlfriend untill a friend of the “girl i was dating” said we were just dating and that we were not boyfriend and girlfriend. This left me some what upset but mostly confused because if we were to meet new people i would say this is my girlfriend and then they would automaticly figure out that we were dating just as if we were engaged i would say this is my fiance and they would figure out that we were engaged as with being married i would say this is my wife and they would figure out that we were married. but aparently we are just dating so do i say “Hi this the the girl i am dating?” that sounds stupid. I believe that i am correct in thinking that dating someone and being boyfriend and girlfriend with someone is that exact same thing any comments to this would be great.
How long does a person date before making a further commitment? We have been dating for 7 months. We make plans for going out for supper, going out with friends. We live in seperate towns. We have sex every other week. He tells everyone we are dating. We are a couple. What is the next level? When does it happen? I think a lot has to do with I work out of town. If I push for more am I going to lose what I have.
MY COMMENT IS ACTUALLY A QUESTION I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN ANSWER FOR. IF A GUY ASKS YOU OUT FOR COFFEE, I ASSUME I’M PAYING FOR MY OWN COFFEE. OK, I’VE MET HIM, PAID FOR MY OWN DRINK AND FOOD AND AM GETTING TO KNOW HIM. I TALK TO HIM SEVERAL TIMES AND THEN HE WANTS TO MEET FOR COFFEE AGAIN. I SAY DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE ASKING ME OUT ON A DATE. OH, NO, I’M NOT INTERESTED IN DATING, JUST TALKING EVEN THO ONLINE IN HIS PROFILE HE’S LOOKING FOR WOMAN FOR DATING. MY IDEA OF A DATE IS THAT THE MAN PAYS. HIS IDEA IS DIFFERENT. I NEVER DID HEAR HIS DEF. OF DATING BUT IT OBVIOUSLY WAS GOING TO BE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER WITHOUT IT COSTING HIM. MY QUESTION- DOES A DATE MEAN THE MAN PAYS? IF HE WERE A GENTLEMAN, I WOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK THIS QUESTION. I’D APPRECIATE AN ANSWER. THANK YOU.
I recently asked what dating is as well.. I went out to dinner and he kissed me good night asked if we could see each other. I simply asked what does see each other mean? He replied “dating!” and asked “if I knew what the meaning of dating was?” My reply was this..
Is it casual dating where you go out when you find time see a movie, eat dinner and then go home? and Can date other people? or
exclusive dating where we are only dating each other?
Or just hanging out like friends?
Or are you looking for a booty call in disguise?
There are alot of definitions of dating and I think it is determined by the two people and what they are truly looking for..
Oh by the way it is still unclear to me what his definition of dating in his mind is.. When I find out Ill let ya know.
dating is between two indivual who make a decision to getting to know each other better.
but when does dating becomes cheating