Skeeeeeered!
I think we have a misperception on our hands.
At first I wasn’t absosmurfly sure.
But I’ve bumped into it four times in the last week.
Four times.
So, yeah.
Something’s definitely up.
And I need to set the record straight.
Fo’shizzle.
So grab a seat. And a drink. And let’s talk.
Zombies! Zoiks!
It all started when I commented on Patty’s uber smart post about product launches. (Read it. It’s good.)
Aside from fawning over her smartnesses, I basically said that sometimes I chew on things too long. Because I’m scared to put them out there.
So I play the I’m-still-working-out-all-the-details game.
Which is where I pretend that gnawing on something *for-effing-ever* is like slathering myself in some kind of secret invisibility sauce that keeps me hidden from the *spoooooooooky* rejection zombies.
Part of Patty’s response was, Fabeku. You? Scared?
And in my head I was all, Yeah! Totally!
Because, really.
The F word
The next day a client dropped the f word on me during a coaching call.
They said they wish they could be fearless. Like me.
Wait. Hold up.
Who are you talking about?
Because you totally can’t mean me.
And then earlier this week I was cookin’ on a few replies to some interview questions from Kelly. The first one was, Where did your fearlessness come from?*
* I think she asks everybody that. But still. There was the f word. Again.
And last night I was talking to a sweet friend who is gearing up for some gigantic changes in their world.
They wanted to know why I’m not scared to take leaps and make bold moves.
<insert sound of brakes screeching here>
Whoa.
Stop the train.
Something’s totally off here taters.
Smoochie smoochie
Here’s the deal.
Me and fear?
We’re buddies. We go way back.
We have a long, messy history together. A sordid, sloppy, tangle-ey kind of relationship.
And it’s not like we’ve broken up either. We still liplock on the regular.
I totally wish I could say I was fearless.
I mean, I have moments of fearlessness. And I love those nuggets like chocolate-dipped ninjas who drum.
But a lot of the time?
I’m scared out of my mind.
I’ve gotten way better at not letting the fear-ey bits stop me though.
So, for me, it’s about knowing how to deal with fear. And gradually changing my relationship with it.
Which is way different than not being afraid in the first place.
The Kit!
When I’m scared I grab a drum.
I whack a few singing bowls.
I take a walk, do my chant-ey thang or stumble my way through some yoga.
I blast a few of my favorite tunes.
Anarchy in the UK by the Sex Pistols. Don’t Drag Me Down by Social D. Pretty much anything by The Ramones.
I have all these go to things that I know help me when I’m scared.
They’re like my own personal Don’t Lose Your Shit kit.
And I lean on them.
A lot.
A running chance
But that doesn’t mean I’m not still scared.
I totally am.
I’m scared that every post I publish will be the one post that no one reads or comments on. Or, even worse, the one that everyone hates like crazy.
I’m scared that I’m not getting my next CD out fast enough.
I’m scared that everyone will think all the new stuff I’m about to rock just sucks hard.
I’m scared because Mom, who’s 74, has started to tell the same the stories again and again. And she doesn’t know she’s doing it.
I’m scared of being forgotten.
I’m scared of a lot of stuff.
Small stuff. Big stuff. Stuff that makes sense. Stuff that doesn’t.
And having tools that help is great.
But that doesn’t mean I’m never afraid.
It just means I’ve got a way to work with it.
It means that I’ve got a running chance of not being totally flattened by the fear.
A different map FTW!
That’s where I’m at with it.
I try not to let the fear stop me. I don’t let it call the shots.
Not in a feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway kind of way.
Because that kind of clichéd self-helpiness makes me want to throw up in my mouth.
It’s more of a that’s-not-the-map-I’m-using kind of thing.
So it’s totally not that I’m not afraid.
Because ohmygawd. The long and the sordid and the tangle-ey.
It’s just that I can’t make decisions based on that fear anymore.
What about you?
Where are you at with all of this?
(p.s. Wherever you are? Totally and completely ok.)
How do you deal with fear?
What would be in your Don’t Lose Your Shit kit?
Photo credit – Invisible Ink Web Design
oh.my.gawd. so totally awesome – again! You never cease to blow me away w/ your insight. And yeah, fear? you? NO.WAY.
Ok, well, maybe… bc we *all* have it.
What’s in my kit? Busting out some dance moves, a little Qigong (a lot of Qigong), talking to some angels, leaning on my friends… and on and on we go.
Thank you for being you – because *you* are AWESOME! And I am so glad to know you. <3
If I’m using my Don’t Lose My Shit Kit palliatively, it’s filled with ice cream and beer. If as prophylactic, it has notebooks and shiva nata and walks with my dog and my fella.
KellyBebop´s last blog ..Make a tastier tomato
Even calling someone fearless doesn’t mean that they don’t dance with fear on a regular basis. At least me it means that they dance – a partnership – they don’t stumble along letting fear lead and run the show. Unlike someone like me, who has let fear lead for the longest time, I see a fearless person as in a partnership with their fear. And I totally admire that. Because fear is so in control most of the time here. But it is getting better. Knowledge helps. Music helps. Creating helps.
Sulwyn´s last blog ..A Little Excitement
To deal with fear, I email you! So in my toolkit is you for the really big stuff, and for the day to day stuff, yoga, bike rides, cooking something with really pretty colors, making felt, listening to music, and writing it out and tossing the drivel in the recycling. You know, soothing things. Every single day. Fear demands a lot of attention sometimes, but ignoring it just makes it worse.
Julia´s last blog ..Shoot Foot Reload
Twitter: moonslark
OMG… I’m still stuck in the totally-afraid-to-move-lest-they-notice-and-kill-you mode of being. I am frozen in afraid , he’s my stalker, my monster under the bed, the niggling worry that keeps me from making a move. I don’t have a “Don’t Lose my Shit Kit”… I think I need one … it would have tae kwon do… art journaling messiness… journalling, singing… crying…
Pam/Moon’sLark´s last blog ..Encouraging in the Rain
Ah, False Evidence Appearing Real!
I so totally get you and yup, it’s not that it EVER goes away that fear. The question is how we deal with it.
I’ve assembled my kit as thus when “somebody” (tongue in cheek) pressed my panic button:
1) Reach for my iPhone with a certain Fabeku’s sacred sound (which helps me breathe again)
2) Once I can breathe again (it’s vital, it really is….
) I am forcing myself to remember what fear really is: the anticipation of pain. In other words, something that hasn’t happened YET, it’s not real YET, and it might never be or it might be, who knows. But at that very moment it has NOT yet happened. And that is the truth.
3) Then I ask myself a couple of questions like:
…. so if “_______” were to happen, what would be the first step you could do?
…. and then what would you do next?
When the “I don’t know” reply comes up, well by now my mind knows there’s no point in throwing that at me because I know that I know what I would/could do if “______” happened. In the beginning when it still came up I used to say: “Fine. What if you did know what to do? What would that be?” And if that still doesn’t do the trick (very rarely) I start listing what I do know to do. Can be unrelated to the subject. As long as my mind gets to remember a couple of things I actually can do and know how to do (like brushing my teeth, driving me car, reading a book, etc)
4) By then I’ve sufficiently calmed down and an do one step of action towards making sure whatever I’m afraid of doesn’t come to be (if necessary, more often than not those fears are so irrational it doesn’t need action).
5) I also go back in time and remember a time when I was very successful, did something very well and I wallow in the feeling of what it was like. Totally go back to what it felt like when I did do the “impossible”. Who was there, where was it, etc.
I have an alternative kit as well though, that is if the fear grips me at somewhat “normal” waking hours, I immediately phone a friend that is knowledgable in taking me out of the fear. Through my business I have a couple of colleagues that are able to help me and a very close friend too.
Which is as good as any point to thank Fabeku and my mentor Blair Singer for teaching me all these things and providing tools for my box.
Oh one more thing that’s in that box …. used it a lot this year, when the fear takes hold of not knowing if there’s enough $$ to pay the rent …. and that is being grateful for what I do have, for example the opportunity to make $$! And that in turn brings more opportunities. Whatever we’re grateful for becomes more. I list 10 things I’m grateful for every morning. Since I do this diligently my life indeed has turned around and I am much more able to cope with the fear.
Sorry for going on so long … but mastering the Little Voice is my passion and my business
Hope it helps!
Twitter: ToriDeaux
Since I’m having a fear-fear-panic-picnic sort of day, it only seemed right to comment. Plus, I totally relate to nearly everything here. I could write novels.
But it’s this:
“It’s more of a that’s-not-the-map-I’m-using kind of thing.” that I’m chewing on right now. And thinking about if an *actual* map, one that doesn’t insist on going through the fear, or turning aside, or… hmm. I’ll have to think on this. Or draw on it. Or something.
Tori Deaux´s last blog ..The Fortune Tellers Tent- What’s Your Path
love. love love love love. love. LOVE.
this morning i went to the library to work on some stuff, because i felt like if i stayed home i’d just cry all day. (crying is my throwing up, lol!)
for me, i’m not scared i’m not doing anything useful. i’m not growing.
and it so so so so so so SO so helps to know that you are scared too.
thank you.
andrea´s last blog ..love list
Twitter: lauriefoley
Dark chocolate. Very dark.
An awesome pen.
My soul sisters. (you’re an honorary, Fabeku!)
And hugs.
Laurie Foley´s last blog ..The Cure for Blog Hangover
Twitter: SkajaW
This post? Right up there *points*? A huge reason why I admire you so much.
Sam told me *literally* 10 minutes ago that if I put as much energy into my art as I do everything else, I’d be doing Really Awesome. I kid you not, I looked at him and said that the big reason why I’m still where I am is because of fear.
I really ought to pay attention to when I do these seemingly fearless things (even if they turn out to be mistakes later). Because if I could harness that energy? Wouldn’t that be awesome?
(Of course, it helps tremendously that I’m feeling less like *omigodmylifeissohorriblerightnowwhatonearthamigonnado!?!!?!?* as it was over the past couple weeks. Man, THAT was some hard.)
I am really thankful that you do hit publish on these posts. Extremely helpful.
skaja´s last blog ..Messenger Bag
Twitter: cmartell
Ah yes, the difference between others perceptions and our inner realities! The fear monster is certainly gnawing on my toes and nipping on the tail of the inadequate monster. Always present, although invisible to the others in the world most of the time.
The more I recognize that the monsters are just part of the reality, are normal and ordinary, the less I allow them to step up and control the action. They’re just another necessary part of the team (like the accountant or any other.)
Christine Martell´s last blog ..Painting from the Studio
Twitter: chapeaubysimone
This:
It’s just that I can’t make decisions based on that fear anymore.
Beyond brilliant.
And I totally grok being scared about Mom and memory loss. Mine lived with me for two years and got worse and worse but is safe and happy now in a great facility (NOT that this will happen to you and yours, just saying).
You will never be forgotten, and your Mom will always be your Mom even if she doesn’t know it.
*hugs* *a little teary*
chicsinger simone´s last blog ..Saks Fifth Avenue That is all
Oh Fabeku! Or should I say *Fearbeku? I think it’s wonderful that you’re able to make decisions that aren’t fear-based. And it’s always a comfort to know that admirable and artistically gifted people like you also experience fear. Fear can be a great tool but rarely is it a useful compass. My personal Don’t Lose Your Shit Kit? Lots of music. Lotsa.
oops! i missed a word in my comment.
i meant to say:
for me, IF i’m not scared – i’m not doing anything useful. i’m not growing.
xoxo
andrea´s last blog ..love list
Twitter: zenpeacekeeper
Amen.
I’m scared right now. Scared that people won’t sign up for this big dream of mine, this thing that I’ve poured my heart and soul into. This thing I’ve put myself on the line for.
So I go for a walk.
And read your post.
And breathe.
And keep on.
Thank you.
Marianne´s last blog ..The Art of Non-Conformity
Twitter: PattyK_
Thank you for sharing this. When we see people being their awesome selves out there in the world, it’s so easy to assume that they’re fearless.
The don’t lose my shit kit? Mine has questions. What’s the worst thing that could happen? How would I deal with it? And memories. Looking back at when I did something terrifying for the first time (like public speaking) and how I lived through it. And if all else fails…there’s always bourbon.
Patty K´s last blog ..You’re a WHAT Eww…
Freakin’ awesome. As always.
Careful with smooching with fear. She REALLY gets around (I know – she was just here today).
I deal with her in different ways (to keep both of us on our toes) but right now I’m just dancing. Dancing with those fears of my family issues, of upcoming workshop release, of health issues…dancing round and round. Fear keeps steppin’ on my toes (on purpose. I can tell.) but it’s not going to stop me from dancing.
Or doing yoga.
Or getting that website up.
It may stop me from having a total bitch-fest with my family. But that’s probably a good thing.
THANK YOU.
Lisa´s last blog ..For You and For Me