When the going gets a sprained ankle......

Yesterday was a great day. It started out with church. Where I got a message from my guide and a grandfather figure, to say that I am cutting ties and all the baggage and what not and it is my time to shine and I have done things with courage apparently. (personally I think its just obliviousness  haha)

Then it was back home from church, and on to the gym. Normally I don't go on a Sunday being part of the weekend and all, but I had missed a day last week and so I decided to make up for it and do a round yesterday.
I arrived at Genesis and handed the girl behind the counter a newspaper for Sean to read. Then set about doing the tasks  that Lincoln has set for me. They're hard but not too hard that I want to give up.

I also added 45 crunches on to that because my tummy is something I really want to get rid of. The crunches are on that machine that makes you do crunches sitting upright, but you can attach weights to them. I'm doing 3 sets of 15 crunches with 50 kilos attached. I'm kinda proud of that haha.

After that I got it into my head that i wanted to go ghost hunting out at Bacchus Marsh cemetery so I rang Nita up and we drove the 15 or so minutes to Bacchus Marsh Cemetery and took some pics of the place.

     (This is me at the cemetery)

While I was looking at the graves, I wasn't concentrating on where I was going and twisted my ankle , and ended up on all fours in agonizing pain, half laughing, and trying to convince myself and Nita that I was ok.
I'm sure it would have been a funny sight. But now I have my ankle strapped up because this morning when I woke up , it was so stiff and sore and hard to walk on.

The first thing that came to my mind though, when I fell, wasn't " Ouch!' , it was " Oh no! how am I going to work out?" ( and the second thing was " Dammit!!! I think I have busted my camera")
This kind of surprised me since I have not ever really been this intent on health and exercise, so I guess it's an indication of how much I really want  to lose my excess weight. I'm kind of proud that my exercise was the first thing I thought of. 
I don't want to let this stupid sore ankle stop me doing what I need to do to keep the motivation going and the exercise. So tonight, I won't be logging into World of Warcraft like I had planned. I will be late to the raids that I have signed up for because as much as I love to kill a fictional animal that has some pretty harsh strategies, I come first. My body comes first. And my health comes first. Sorry Enigma Guildies, you're awesome and all but you're not going to lose the weight for me.

So now I am trying to think of exercises that I can do that wont make my ankle feel worse but will also help me continue with my weight loss. For this reason I am glad to be going to a gym because I know that someone there will be able to help me figure out which exercises to do.

Anyways, more updates next time. xoxoxo till then, take care

Things I am looking forward to...

I thought, today , since I am not actually going to the gym, that I would post about the things I am looking forward to when I have reached my weight loss goal. Some of these things will be achievable before my weight loss goal though. So here they are in no particular order:


-  Cafe seats will not stick to my hips when I get up to leave.

This one has been a problem for a long time now and I am sure I am not the only one. I have big, childbearing hips (thanks mum!) and they seem to grab the chair I am sitting in when I go to get up and I end up taking the chair with me. I can totally understand how comical this must look to other eatery patrons, and I think it's rather funny myself. But still, it is a little embarrassing when you have to peel your butt away from the seat you were sitting in before you leave a cafe.



- Being able to put my knickers on with two hands instead of kinda looping em over my feet and  trying to yank em up one side at a time.

ha ha Yeah there's a mental picture you could have done without I'm sure. But I promised myself I would " bare all" and so here it is!   And here's a bit more detail : not having to tuck my guts into the band of my knickers every morning in a futile attempt to hide my flab Muahahahaha! and No, I won't pay for therapy for you. You read this of your own free will.



-  Being able to tie my shoelaces with ease.

This one pretty much speaks for itself. the bigger your gut, the harder it is to reach down and touch your toes. and that's kinda imperative when you're putting shoes and socks on.



-  Not having to rock myself OUT of the lounge chair in order to get up and walk around.

Yep, I am sure my family suffer from seasickness just from watching me rock myself back and forth in order to gain enough momentum to heave my body out of the armchair. For that reason I rather don't like sitting down at other peoples houses too.

-  Being able to buy clothes off the rack. 

This one is a major downer when I go into a store and am unable to buy clothes because even their largest size is too small for me. I cant wait to be able to buy normal clothes for normal women and look good in them instead of picking clothes that are too billowy  because I am ashamed of my flabby bits.

-  Running with my kids

 This is one that I cant wait for too.  To be able to run and play with my kids and not be the big fat mum sitting on the bench seat watching. I want to be a part of it, not a spectator.

-  Not being stared at as I walk down the street. 

 This one makes me cringe. I am so sick of people staring at me because I am fat. This doesn't just single me out as a fat person but it singles the starer out as a judgmental person. It is also something that makes me incredibly angry that people can't look beyond someones appearance. And so for this reason I can't wait till people see me as normal. Having said that, this is also something I need to work on i.e: Let the anger go and rise above other peoples' hang ups.



So there you have it; just a pinch of the tip of the iceberg when it comes to things I am looking forward to after I have reached my weight loss goals. There's a million and one more things I cant wait to experience but they can be in another post. And at least if I don't post them all now, I will  have something else to terrorize you with later on *evil grin*

Food Glorious Food......

I wanted to touch on the whole diet thing that goes with exercise and losing weight.  One of the guys at Genesis (the Gym - you can check them out from the link on this page that I finally figured out how to set up) has said (and I am paraphrasing here) weight loss is 50-60% diet.

Now this is something I am sure most people know. But here's me thinking "yeah I wont eat as much crap as I have been" but I know myself, if I don't have what I am used to, I will give up.
So, I just started cutting down on the little things, like sugar; I use Sugarine for my coffee in the morning now. Instead of butter or margarine, which I do still use but only sometimes, I put avocado or Philly light cheese spread on my sandwiches instead.
Instead of Nutella, or peanut butter or jam, I have salad on my sandwiches.
Instead of bacon and eggs on toast for breakky, I have weetbix and milk. 
And instead of having a stuff like beef stroganoff, and bacon and zucchini slice, which I adore, but have yet to find a way to make it healthy , I bulk up the majority of the dinner meal , vegetabless and meat mostly or rice,  and make it feel like a really large meal with a tonne of vegetables instead.

Lots of carrots, lots of broccoli and snow peas (especially stir-fry Chinese style hehe) lots of onions and mushrooms, capsicum.
One of the other things I do, is eat it off a bread and butter plate. That way I know I am in control of the portion size. You'd be surprised at how well this works.
Now the funny thing is - I am actually craving less crap food and more healthy stuff. I have found I am not eating as much as I have previously been eating during the day. and when I do, I am more conscious about what I am putting into my mouth.
This doesn't take away the thoughts of chocolate and what not, BUT where before I wasn't actually even thinking about calorie intake or what type of fat content was in the food I was eating, now, I kinda feel empowered because I look at the contents of the food now and feel in control and able to make decisions concerning food, where before I felt powerless to stop myself from eating.

So I guess what I am saying is I have done things backwards yet again  haha, instead of starting on a diet and moving up to a gym , I started at the gym and moved up to a diet. And all this exercise has made me WANT to eat healthily. I am proud of the commitment I have made to myself. So is Mahto; he bought me a Swisse ball to sit on at the puter as an " I'm proud of you " gift.

Looking in the bathroom mirror at 5:45am and I saw something in my sleepy state that I wasn't quite sure I had seen. I had my arms up brushing my hair and I noticed that it seems I have lost weight off my ribs. It doesn't seem to be as bulged as it was before. It's only slight. I wasn't sure if it was because I had my arms up at head height. But Mahto and Nita  have both been saying they can see a difference already. It is nice they have said they can see a difference, and I am so eternally grateful for their encouragement. But actually seeing it for myself has a bit more impact.
So it seems I AM losing the weight even though the scales have now said I am up to 169.7kg.. I am still as motivated as ever!

The Newspaper Article was Published Today.....

OK so today started at about a quarter to 5 in the morning when Chris ( a friend of our family who is staying with us for a little while, he may as well be blood cos he's blood to Nita and Nita - who may as well be my sister - and I are as thick as thieves) woke me up as requested, so I could cram in a workout before Mahto (hubby) needed the car to go to work.
Aaron ( or Arnarn as my baby boy used to call him) who is Nita's 17 year old son, came with me today to the gym for a second time, and we worked out together.

We were both lined out outside the gym at 6am , worked hard on the treadmill, rowing machine, cross trainer, and I conked out on the stair machine lol.
After that ( which totally wrecked me) I went home and read the newspaper article that was written last week about my weight loss, and also about why people go to gyms in the beginning of the year etc.

Some of the things I said in the newspaper article resonated a second time with me today. Reading it in print, I have to say, I'm still ashamed of the way I look, but instead of letting that shame get to me, I think I am even more determined now to rid myself of these stupid horrible kilos that plague my body and make my stomach a point of focus for most people- or at least that is what it seems.

One of the things I said in the article was that I was self conscious about all the gorgeous muscly bodies down at the gym, and that after a little bit , I get over that and realize that they are there for them, and I am here for me. And that's what I try and hold in my mind. I still don't like to look in the mirror. I never have though, even when I was skinny. I'm doing this for my kids, my husband, but most of all for me.

Too many years have passed where I have put other people first. I'm not saying that I want to put myself first all the time. That wont sit right with me anyway because I feel awful and selfish when I do. But I am going to allow myself the smallest of luxuries and let myself feel that I am important enough to put my health first. I dont have to make other people go without in order for me to get and remain healthy. If anything, I will have the chance to help others ( a life long passion of mine) if I make sure I am around longer.

Another thing that started to bother me was that I have not lost too much weight this week , Not much, only about 300gms or so. But I am going to put this down to the workouts building muscle on my body faster than it can reduce my weight in fat. My mother used to say to me when she was doing her aerobics, " Muscle weighs more than fat. It is more dense"  So with that in mind, I am going to use this slower weight loss  set back as a positive motivator and instead of just weighing myself, I am also going to measure my body. That way , if I put on anything little like this, I can check the measurements, and as along as they reflect a weight loss of some sort by being smaller than the last time I took them, I will have more positive reinforcement and motivation to keep me going.
so here they are for ALL to see. This is me for now. I will post each measurement I take so the results can be seen here. along with my weight.


Measurements :

Bust :       65inches /   160 cm
Waist:      61 inches/   155 cm
Hips:        64 inches/   163 cm
Thigh: L    33inches/     84 cm
Thigh R    35inches/     90 cm
Bicep L   16.5 inches/  42cm
Bicep R   17.5 inches/  45cm
Neck       19 inches/    48cm

Weight : 169.1 kg ( 372.8 lbs)

OMG! I never ever thought!

Ok so this post is a big whine about how much my legs hurt over the weekend. Lincoln (who is AWESOME!) had me doing squats and lunges on Friday (and we did some boxing stuff too, that was SO MUCH FUN!) and he even warned me about walking down stairs afterward because my legs ended up feeling like jelly and I felt so good about it psychologically cos I knew it was what my body needed.

Little did I know I would have trouble walking all weekend - I didn't walk, I hobbled. It took me 10 minutes to walk 250 metres . I still think it was worth it though. My legs are starting to calm down , though they ache just a little (mainly my thighs). I'm kinda proud of hurting so much because it is a good hurt (if there is such a thing).

Today was the end of my package deal with Lincoln. I was a little sad because it means I wont be able to train with him as much as I have been this last week or so. BUT I am committing to at least once a week till I can afford more. Simply because I find him so encouraging and hes a really nice guy.

I know if I don't hold myself accountable to Lincoln then I will quit and I don't want to quit. (sorry hubby but you're amazing when it comes to the encouragement, not so amazing about  doing the whole " tut tut tut" thing)

I'm trying to block up all the avenues of exits that I know I will try and take. If I make it that there's no way  out except for me to exercise and lose the weight, I will do the work. In short, I'm not giving myself a chance to quit. So as a trick to my brain, I am going to think that I don't want to disappoint Lincoln, cos If i disappoint him ultimately I'm letting myself down and disappointing myself.

One thing I found really surprising was that i wanted to visit the gym yesterday after church. I never thought in my lifetime that I would find myself craving a work out. THAT blew me away !!!

After today's workout, I feel even better too. I think the blood running through my legs and arms really helped move some of the achey-juice that gets into  my muscles and causes them to hurt after a work out.

My life is starting to change shape - in a great way!!!

A week into it

It's been a little bit since I posted, simply because I am sure posting every day would end up with a tirade of boring posts about how many steps I took on treadmill.

So to sum it up and get on with the more nitty gritty of this whole situation and that would more be the emotions attached.

I have since met with a personal trainer - the gym that I have signed up with, gave me 3 appointments with Lincoln, for $56 - BARGAIN! I jumped at that one because I wanted to have some professional advice on how to go about losing weight, what sort of things I should be doing and boy was it worth it. Normally , I am not one for pain, but this pain is different. My arms, legs, bum, chest muscles ( the ones you flex when you stand in the mirror and chant " I must, I must, I must improve my bust") They're all sore!!!
Lincoln showed me some exercises that are good for my body type and level of fitness.

There have been a couple of days where I haven't felt like going. Aside from the weekend, I think I have skipped one day. But I made up for that yesterday and did twice as much. So I know that I have each day accounted for at least 20-60 mins of exercise. and the more I go, the cheaper my fees become - that is to say I am still paying $17.95 a week, but I look at it this way - one visit per week is $17.95 , but two visits is half that amount, 3 visits and the fee is divided into thirds. silly i know but in this day and age where finances are a massive reason why a lot of people don't do things like go to a gym, ( and I know from past experience what its like to be on a single parents pension so I know how hard it can be to make ends meet)

Lincoln ( the trainer) told me something the other day when I met with him, something that made me feel more like all those hot bodies down at the gym, including the trainers, are still human. he said " Some days you might feel tired, or drained , so you do what you can, and other days you might be high on motivation, so you make up for it then. but its OK to do it like this "
I felt so relieved when he said that because there have been one or two days since I started where I was tired and sore and didn't really put my all into the workout. And now I don't feel so guilty about it which is a great thing. Who needs guilt when they're already dealing with situations like this hehe

Anyways, I have to go and get ready for my workout again today. I am meeting with Lincoln again today for more personal training. And then I get to go and have a picture taken for the local newspaper because they're doing an article on people in the gym and losing weight and all and they asked me for an interview and stuff. Naturally I said yes because the more people who know about me trying to lose weight, the less I can back out of it lol. I have locked myself in. I don't want to give myself a way to back out of this.

Till next time =D

oh ps!

i started at 171.3 kg,
I'm down to 169.4 =D its working already

Day one

I'm starting day one at the night before any exercise because really, day one is the day i joined the gym.

I Googled how to stop eating and binge eating and weight loss, and it led me to a page that stated " For any results to be achieved, you have to leave your comfort zone" and finally this actually sunk in. I realized that if i was going to lose any weight, I'd have to leave my house and get going.
Walking around the neighborhood wasn't an option since I had tried that many times and wasn't feeling that I would stick at it. So i rang the local gym up.
I spoke with a guy named Michael, who was very nice. I explained candidly and with almost brutal honesty, that I was grossly overweight, and I had had enough, and I needed to do something about it. He said for me to come down right now and we could sort out a membership. I tried to back out of an appointment since i was uncomfortable committing to a contract and didn't want to enter into something I wasn't sure I could stick with, but I realized right then that this was the old way of thinking and that the only thing I had to lose was the weight. It could only benefit me, and that spending 17 bucks a week on myself was worth the health benefits.


So push comes to shove, and I'm sick of being fat so I signed up to the gym, and went down early the next morning to start exercising.

I walk over to the treadmill, thinking that would be an easy way to warm up. I don't want to go too hard too early because I know its been way too long since my last attempt at any sort of exercise so I start off walking on the treadmill. After about 20 mins of that, and working up a bit of a sweat and wishing I could run like the other people around me, i decide its time to get onto my favorite of all exercise machines, the elliptical cross trainer.

I decide another 20 mins of this will be good. So I jump on, set the machine to its lowest setting an begin my cross training.

Ouch my legs!!! I had to stop a few times to catch my breath too. But ya know while I was working out, this song by Mika came on to my mp3 player. Its the one called Happy Ending. it has major significant emotional attachment to me because it was one of the songs that was playing at the time my premature 12 day old son was dying. And the funny thing is it was beginning to play at the moment I felt like I couldn't go on any more.

So I stared off into nothing and thought of TJ , my son, and my recently departed mother too. And I asked them to help me gather the strength to continue at least till the end of this workout.

And once the song was over, I rewound till the beginning again ( if you can call it rewinding on a digital media player lol ) and began the song again , over and over until the time was up and I had completed the goal.

And it felt so good. So I thanked TJ and my mum for giving me the strength to finish, got off the machine, and walked through the door to go home.