At work today, I was told by someone in the lunchroom that I deserved a pay raise. They were sitting right next to me but somehow missed my nametag just below my face. It's in red bold letters and says "INTERN". I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was carrying boxes to the elevator and they were stacked pretty high. My coworker came up next to me. "Need a button?" she asked. She pressed it- but forgot to hold open the elevator door as I adjusted my load. Thanks a lot. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, all the employees at my company got a notice about a class action suit against the company. I kept it secret. My coworker, of course, asked my boss if he could help him "figure this darn lawsuit thing out." I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, a customer wanted to buy a hot plate for his dorm. I asked him if that was illegal. "Yeah," he said. "But the things I do with the hot plate are even worse." I didn't ask any more questions. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, one of the guys alone at the bar was harassing girls. I told him to cool it. He said he'd give me a big tip if I got him laid. I told him I'd need enough money to buy him a hooker, because that was the only way I could do it. He actually thought about it. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my boss decided that a "strapping" bike messenger like me could carry an extra thirty pounds on his back. Now I'm going to go to the chiropractor and try to fix myself. I'll probably spend the whole month's wages. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my boss challenged me to play him in a Facebook "Mafia" game. I thought those things were for kids. Now I'm required to be part of my boss's mob- or else. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was watering the office plants when I looked inside the dirt pot. I found a keyring, a piece of gum, an empty Mountain Dew bottle, and a business card inside. It was my business card. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I had to label a thousand samples. Literally, a thousand. For some reason, sales representatives can't match a picture in a catalogue with an actual shoe. These are the people selling it, and they don't know what it looks like. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I asked one of my interns to go ahead and collate some fliers. "Yes sir!" he said and literally saluted. Fifteen minutes later, he came back. "And what exactly does 'collate' mean, sir?" I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, my crush came in and said that she was swamped and really needed my help balancing spreadsheets. I envisioned a long night together and agreed to help. "Thanks!" she said. "See you later!" I'm still working on it, alone. I'm dumbemployed.

At work today, I was already auditioning department store Santas. This year's crop was decent, but the beards aren't in yet. That's why I had to make a paper model beard and hold it up to all their faces. It took hours. I'm dumbemployed.