Chapter
 
The MakingOf A Nice Guy
 
 
I
concluded the previous chapter with the question, "Why would it seem rational for a person to try toeliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was asignificant compelling reason for him to do so? Why do people try to change who they really are?"After spending years examining the Nice Guy Syndrome from every possible angle, there is only oneanswer to this question that makes sense:
Because it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or manto be just who he is.
Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of coping with situations where it does not feel safeor acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Further, the only thing that would make a child or anadult sacrifice one's self by trying to become something different is a belief that being just who he ismust be a bad and/or dangerous thing.The premise of this book is that during their formative years, all Nice Guys received messages fromtheir families and the world around them that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for them to be whothey were, just as they were.So how did Nice Guys receive these messages and why did they respond to them in the way that theydid? The following is a short course on how families and society turn perfect little boys into men whobelieve they have to be "good" in order to be loved.
Coping With Abandonment
The most impressionable time in an individual's life is from birth to about five years. In these first fewyears a child's personality is most significantly influenced by his surroundings. It is during this time thathis paradigms begin to be established. Since the strongest influences during this time are usually achild's parents and extended family, this is where we must begin our examination of the origins of theNice Guy Syndrome.There are two important facts we must understand about children. First, when children come into theworld they are
totally helpless
. They are dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs ina timely, judicious manner. As a result of this dependency, every child's greatest fear is abandonment.
To children, abandonment means death.
Second, children are
ego-centered
. This means that they inherently believe they are the center of theuniverse and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the
cause
of 
 
everything that happens to them.These two factors — their fear of abandonment and their ego-centeredness — create a very powerfuldynamic for all children.
Whenever a child experiences any kind of abandonment he will alwaysbelieve that he is the cause of what has happened to him.
These abandonment experiences mightinclude any of the following experiences:
q
 
He is hungry and no one feeds him.
 
q
 
He cries and no one holds him.
 
q
 
He is lonely and no one pays attention to him.
 
q
 
A parent gets angry at him.
 
q
 
A parent neglects him.
 
q
 
A parent puts unrealistic expectations on him.
 
q
 
A parent uses him to gratify his or her own needs.
 
q
 
A parent shames him.
 
q
 
A parent hits him.
 
q
 
A parent doesn't want him.
 
q
 
A parent leaves him and doesn't come back in a timely manner.
 Because every child is born into an imperfect world and into an imperfect family, every child hasabandonment experiences.
Even though their belief that they are the cause of these painful events is,in fact, an inaccurate interpretation of their life, children have no other way to understand theworld.
Toxic Shame
These abandonment experiences and the naive, ego-centered interpretation of them, creates a belief insome young children that it is not acceptable for them to be who they are, just as they are. Theyconclude that
there must be something wrong with them, which causes the important people in their livesto abandon them
. They have no way of comprehending that their abandonment experiences are notcaused by something about them, but by the people who are supposed to recognize and meet their needs.This naive, ego-centered interpretation of their abandonment experiences creates a psychological statecalled
toxic shame
. Toxic shame is the belief that one is inherently bad, defective, different, orunlovable. Toxic shame is not just a belief that one does bad things, it is a deeply held core belief thatone
is bad 
.
Survival Mechanisms
As a result of these abandonment experiences and the faulty interpretation of these events, all childrendevelop survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things:
 
1) Try to cope with the emotional and physical distress of being abandoned.
 
2) Try to prevent similar events from happening again.
 
3) Try to hide their internalized toxic shame (or perceived badness) from themselves and others.
 Children find a multitude of creative ways to try to accomplish these three goals. Since their insight,experience, and resources are limited, these survival mechanisms are often ineffective and sometimes,seemingly illogical. For instance, a child who is feeling lonely may misbehave in a way that is sure toattract his parent's attention in a negative way. Even though it may seem illogical for a child to dosomething that invites painful or negative attention, the consequences of the behavior may not feel asbad as feeling lonely or isolated.Trying to be "good" — trying to become what he believes others want him to be — is just one of manypossible scripts that a little boy might form as the result of childhood abandonment experiences and theinternalization of toxic shame.
The Origin Of The Nice Guy Paradigm
When I first began exploring my own Nice Guy attitudes and behaviors I had no idea how all the piecesfit together. I believed that I came from a pretty good family and had lived a pretty good life. When Ibegan observing other men with traits similar to my own, I encountered the same general lack of insightinto the origins of their own emotional and behavioral patterns.When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect," "great,""Leave It To Beaver," or "All-American" families. Nevertheless, these men learned to hide their flawsand tried to become what they believed others wanted them to be. These factors indicate that at somepoint in their early lives, their circumstances were less than ideal.Alan, Jason, and Jose are all Nice Guys. Each of these men had different childhood experiences. Theyare all unique in the way that their Nice Guy scripts are played out in their adult lives. In spite of thesedifferences, they all developed a core belief in childhood that they were not OK just as they were. As aresult of their internalized toxic shame, each developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approvaland hiding perceived flaws. All of these men believed that these life strategies were necessary if theywere to have any hope of being loved, getting their needs met, and having a problem-free life.
Alan
 The oldest of three children in a single parent family, Alan prided himself on having never caused hismother a moment's pain. As a child, he performed well in sports and school. He believed that these
 
things set him apart from his siblings and made his mother proud. Alan was the first person in his familyto get a college degree, another factor he believed made him special.Alan's father, an abusive alcoholic, abandoned the family when Alan was seven. At an early age, Alanmade a decision to be 180 degrees different from his father. As a result, he prided himself on beingpatient, giving, and even-keeled. Alan worked hard to never be angry or demeaning like his father. Hewas an active leader in his youth group at church and never drank alcohol or did drugs as a teenager.Alan's mother, a fundamentalist Christian, raised Alan in a sect that preached hell-fire and brimstone. Hecame to believe that he was a "sinner" for having normal thoughts, impulses, and behaviors. Though healways worked hard to be a good Christian, he lived with a constant fear that he might make a mistakeand suffer everlasting punishment.Alan believed his mother was a saint. She would do anything for her children. She would listen andwasn't critical. Frequently, she and Alan would commiserate with each other about all the "bad" thingshis dad did.On more than one occasion, Alan's mother told him that she was trying to raise her sons to be differentfrom their father. She wanted them to grow up to be giving, peaceful, and respectful of women. As anadult, Alan still stays in close touch with his mother and does whatever he can to help make her lifeeasier.
Jason
 Jason, introduced in Chapter One, believed he grew up in a "Leave It To Beaver" family. In reality, bothof Jason's parents lived through their children. Though he saw his childhood as "ideal", in actuality, hisparents used him and his siblings to meet their own needs.Jason believed his parents were "perfect." He described them as being strict and overprotective. Heacknowledged that he was sheltered and sexually naive and admitted that he might have been smotheredby his parents.Jason's father closely directed the family. Jason reported that his father still tried to control Jason's life.Jason shared a chiropractic practice with his father who ran the business and told Jason what house heshould buy, what car to drive, and what church he should attend.Jason described his mother as a "wonderful, loving woman." He reported that she was always involvedwith the kids. With no friends of her own, she turned to her children for companionship and affirmationof her worth.Jason couldn't remember his parents showing much affection to each other. He couldn't picture them
 
having sex, and wondered how they made three kids. Even though they did lots of things with thechildren, he couldn't remember them ever going out or taking a vacation just by themselves.As an adult, Jason tried to live up to the image of perfection portrayed by his parents. Everything he didwas calculated to look good: he looked like a good husband, a good father, a good Christian, and a goodprofessional. In spite of all his efforts, he always felt inadequate and defective compared to his parents.
Jose
 A successful business consultant, Jose was afraid of intimate relationships. Jose was highly educated andhad a stressful, high-powered career. He was physically active and his idea of recreation was taking ahundred-mile bike ride or climbing a mountain. He repressed his anger and tried to never say anythingthat would upset anyone. He saw himself as controlling and acknowledged that his drug of choice was"recognition."Jose was attracted to dependent women. He found it interesting that he seemed to be attracted to incestsurvivors. He stayed in his present relationship because he was concerned about the financial welfare of his girlfriend. He was afraid she wouldn't make it if he left.Jose openly acknowledged that he came from a dysfunctional family. He was the second of sevenchildren in a lower class family. At around the age of 14, he took on the role of parenting his youngersiblings. Jose reported that there was tremendous chaos in his family and he saw his job as protecting hisbrothers and sisters from its effects.Jose saw his father as angry, controlling, and abusive. He was explosive and demeaning to the boys andsexually abusive to the girls.Jose's mother was manic-depressive. She had extreme mood swings and had a difficult time staying onher medication. When she was manic, the house would be spotless, she would talk of entertainingpoliticians and socialites, and she would begin destructive sexual relationships. When she wasdepressed, she kept the windows covered, the house became a wreck, and she would threaten to killherself. When he was 15, Jose had to break through a locked door and take a loaded gun away from hismother. She had been threatening suicide while all seven kids stood by terrified. Jose saw this as atypical scenario growing up in his home.Jose worked hard all of his life to be different from his family. His family had him on a pedestal and hewas the one to whom everyone turned whenever they had a problem. His job as a family member wasfixing chaos. His job as a business consultant was fixing chaos. His role in relationships was fixingchaos. Jose's life script required chaos, because without it, he would be out of a job.Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace." It
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