Other Topics: Child Custody Mediation: Focus on the Child's Needs Custody of Children 5 Years Old or Younger
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Child Custody Mediation: Focus on the Child's Needs

This section tells you about mediation for child custody matters.
Click on a topic below:

Introduction
What's in This Guide
Goals of Mediation
What Happens in Mediation
What if I'm worried about domestic violence?
Frequently Asked Questions
Ways to Communicate
Your Parenting Plan
What to Put in Your Parenting Plan
Make Your Parenting Agreement Work
Questions?

Introduction
When you separate or divorce, you need to decide who will have custody of your children and how they will be taken care of. If you can't agree, you must meet with a professional mediator before you can go to court.

"Custody" means:

• Who your children live with, and
• Who will make important decisions for your children (health care, education, other important decisions).

This is often called a "parenting plan."

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What's in This Guide
This guide discusses how court mediation works in California. It suggests ways to talk with the other parent and gives you information about parenting plans.

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Goals of Mediation
The goals of mediation are to:

1. Help you make a parenting plan that's in the best interest of your children.
2. Help you make a parenting plan that lets your children spend time with both parents.
3. Help you learn ways to deal with anger or resentment.

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What Happens in Mediation
Mediation can be a way to make decisions about your children without going to court. You and the other parent can make your own agreement for how you will take care of your children. The legal word for this agreement is "stipulation." It is also called a "parenting plan" or a "parenting agreement."

• Who are the mediators?
  A mediator:
  
  • Has a master's degree in counseling, social work, or a related field;
  • Also has at least 2 years of experience working in mental health;
  • Knows how the family court system works; and
  • May also have information about community services that might be helpful to you.
• What do mediators do?
  Although mediators are experienced in counseling, mediation is not counseling. A mediator meets with both parents and helps them try to agree on a plan that is best for their child. The mediator's job is to:
  
  • Listen to both of you.
  • Be neutral.
  • Help you look at different options.
  • Help you decide when the child will be with each parent.
  • Help you decide how future decisions about your child will be made.
  • Help you consider how best to protect your child's safety and welfare.
  • Support you.
  • Make recommendations to the judge. In some counties, if you and the other parent can't agree on a parenting plan through mediation, the mediator is asked to give the court a written recommendation. It will contain the mediator's opinion about what parenting arrangement will be in your child's best interest.
• Guidelines for mediation:
  
  1. Treat each other with respect. You will both get a chance to explain your ideas.
  2. Listen to each other and try to find real solutions.
  3. Put the children first. Think about what they need and can handle.

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What if I'm worried about domestic violence?

• Tell your lawyer, if you have one.
• Answer all of the judge or mediator's questions about this problem.
• Tell your mediator as soon as possible.

If you've been a victim of domestic violence:

• You can bring a support person to mediation and court.
• You can see the mediator without the other parent.

If a mediator suspects child abuse, he or she must report it. (It is a crime to file false abuse reports.) Ask your mediator for a list of places that can help you and your children.

To learn more about child custody mediation when your child's other parent has been abusive, click here.

Click here for more help with domestic violence problems.

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Frequently Asked Questions

• Is what I say in mediation confidential?
  
  • In some counties what you say is totally confidential. The other party can't use it in court in any way.
  • In other counties, mediators make "recommendations" to the judge when the parents don't reach an agreement in mediation. What you say in mediation can be reported to the judge and to the other parent and his or her attorney - but it's confidential as far as anyone else goes.
  • If a mediator suspects child abuse, he or she is required by law to report this to child protective services.
• What happens if we can't agree on everything in mediation?
  What happens after mediation depends on the court:
  
  • There is usually a court hearing or settlement conference with the judge to resolve issues.
    
    • The judge may make decisions on a parenting plan.
    • The judge may order an evaluation by a mental health professional.
    • In some courts, the judge may ask the mediator to make a recommendation.

  Ask your mediator how the process works in your local court. The Family Law Facilitator may also be able to answer your questions. Click here to find the Family Law Facilitator in your county.

• Will my lawyer look at my parenting plan before I go to court?
  Yes. Your lawyer should go over this agreement (also called a "custody and visitation agreement") before you go see the judge in court.
• Can children or relatives be part of the mediation?
  It depends on the situation. Tell your mediator if you think there's a reason for your children or a person close to you to be in mediation.

  Remember: If you've been the victim of domestic violence, you may bring a support person to the mediation with you. Learn more about child custody in domestic violence cases.

• How long does mediation take?
  For many people, 1 or 2 sessions is enough.

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Ways to Communicate
How you talk to each other and to your children can make a big difference. Try to think about the other parent as a business partner. Acting "businesslike" might help get your mind off the pain and stress so you can focus better on your children.

Here are some tips:

1. Be polite, just like you would be at work.
2. Stay on the subject. Focus on doing what is best for your child.
3. Control your emotions, just like you would do at work.
4. Be clear and specific when you talk to the other parent. Write things down and keep businesslike records of important agreements.
5. Keep your promises. Your children need to be able to trust and rely on you. This is very important right now.
6. Watch the words you use when you talk about divorce.

Adapted with permission from Isolina Ricci, Mom's House, Dad's House (New York: Macmillian Publishing Co., 1980).

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Your Parenting Plan
Your parenting plan (also called a "custody and visitation agreement") is a legal document. It is also very personal. You need to make a plan that is in the best interest of your child.

Some suggestions:

• Meet your child's basic needs for:
  
  • Love, protection, and guidance;
  • A healthy diet
  • Good medical care; and
  • Enough rest.
• Consider your child's age, personality, experiences, and ability. Every child is different. Adjust your plan to your child, NOT your child to your plan.
• Give your child regular, consistent times with each of you for day-to-day care, overnights, activities, schoolwork, vacations, and holidays. Use a calendar to help you.
• Give your plan enough detail so it's easy to understand and enforce.
• Give your child a sense of security and a reliable routine.

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What to Put in Your Parenting Plan

• "Physical custody," which means time with the children Think about activities, overnights, and day-to-day care:
  
  • Where should my child be during the week? On weekends?
  • Where should my child be for holidays, summer vacations, and special days?
  • Which parent will be in charge of which activities (sports, music, homework)?
  • Which parent is in charge at which times?
  • How will my child get from one parent to the other? Who will pay the costs?
• "Legal custody," which means making decisions about the children
  Be clear and specific about which decisions each parent can make on their own and which decisions you will make together:
  
  • Schools?
  • Daycare?
  • Religion?
  • Medical and dental care?
  • Emergency care?
  • Jobs and driving (for older children)?
  
  

  Remember, it is important to stay up-to-date:    Except in cases of abuse or violence Both parents can have information about the child. Both parents can call the child. Both parents can look at the child's medical and school records. Each parent can have the other parent's address and phone numbers.

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Make Your Parenting Agreement Work

• Use a calendar.
  Have a calendar that shows where the children will be and when. Put your calendar in a place that is easy to see. If you need to make a change, explain why. Children and parents do better when things are clear.
• Watch your children.
  You know your children, so:
  
  • Watch to see how they do with the schedule.
  • If they aren't doing well, talk to the other parent and try to find a way to fix things.
  • Make sure they know that the separation or divorce is not their fault.
  • Tell them you love them and will take care of them.
  • Let them tell you how they feel about all the changes and what they need from you. And try to listen without getting defensive.
• When you and the other parent don't agree:
  Parents don't always agree on what's best for their children. This is natural. It happens in every relationship.
  
  • Listen to the other parent and respect his or her point of view.
  • Control your emotions, just like you do at work.
  • Read the "Ways to Communicate" section above.
  • Do what's best for your children.
  • Don't put your children in the middle of your fights with the other parent.
• Changing your plan
  You might need to change your parenting plan when your children get older and things in their lives change. Talk it over with the other parent or see a counselor or minister to help you. If that doesn't work, you may want to go back to family court mediation. Click here to find the family court services program in your county.

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Questions?
Ask your mediator or lawyer about any questions you have. Click here to find the family court services mediators in your county. Click here for help finding a lawyer. Your family court will try to make the mediation process as easy as possible.

Good luck with your parenting plan.

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Last modified: 01/05/2009

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